It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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