I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
