I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
