I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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