between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
