Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
