just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
