the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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