Will you blow on my dice?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
