Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
