Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
