Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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