I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
