take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
