eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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