Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
