frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
