i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
