I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Drake has all the answers
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
