my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
