If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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