Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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