mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
