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Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
