I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
