I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Found the puke drawer
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
