you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
