I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
