Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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