Kiss
Puke
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
