I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
