every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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