I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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