I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
