Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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