So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
