totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Randomize
