The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
