Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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