i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
