I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
