Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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