Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
