Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Boobs speak an international language.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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