God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
