So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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