saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
