I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
