I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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