I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
