my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
