I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
