Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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